Accolades & Endorsements*
2012: Wrote award winning content for Mike Tyson and Princess Ariel. Both were incredibly polite to the whole cast and crew.
2013: Revealed to be #37 of Jay Z’s “99 Problems”.
2014: Wrote widely sold eCards starring Reba McEntire and Pau Gasol. One of them is way shorter than you think.
2015: Casually chatted with Catherine O’Hara in an elevator and elicited a chuckle. Probably. Could also have been a small cough.
2016: Wrote award winning content for Kraft and Toyota. Guess who provided the better lunch spread at the pitch meeting.
2017: Given the “Key to the City”. Not sure which city. Haven’t tried all the locks yet.
2018: Wrote widely sold eCards starring MMA legends Randy Couture and Bas Rutten. Teddy Bears, both of them.
2019: Still not sure which city.
2020: Did not die or drink hand sanitizer.
2021: Once again did not die. Also began writing for Passion Tree Hard Seltzer.
2022: Cut it a little close this time, but managed not to die again. Also: 52,000+ cases of hard seltzer sold, and 52,000+ trees planted for Passion Tree in under two years.
2023: Still loading...
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“I only wish I could write just one thing that was simultaneously timeless, prescient, and historically significant, the way that Dan does every single day.”
-Lin-Manuel Miranda
“His prose reminds me of a young me, except that he is far more ruggedly handsome, and he has better facial hair, and he faces danger with greater bravery, which is to say that he does not flinch in the face of catastrophe.”
-Ghost of Ernest Hemingway
“Are you still watching ‘Parks and Recreation’?”
-Netflix
“Once again, he will not publicly declare you his ‘new bestie’, not even just once, not even as a joke. Please stop calling. How did you even get this number?”
-Assistant to LeBron James
*All quotes are clearly 100% fake. Also, I did not actually receive the key to any city, as far as I know. Also, I am not on Jay-Z’s list of 99 problems, or any other known list of Jay-Z’s. But I really did talk to Catherine O’Hara in an elevator once.
Thumbnails... thumb nails. This is top notch pun work happening right in front of you.